Just had the convo with the kids, to share the news that AJ and I are separating. It went WAY more smoothly than expected.

Big Boy-F cried a bit, because he said it’s a bit sad that we are separating. But Baby-O, took the news with equanimity, especially after we (I) answered his questions around where we would live, would we still see one another, and a bunch of logistical questions… the answer to most of which was: “We haven’t decided yet, but the most important thing for you to remember is that we both love you. We will still be in your lives, and big picture, we want the best for you.”

This conversation was one of the things I was most terrified about. Although… honestly, I’ve been so terrified about so many things… I can’t be entirely sure that this was the worst one. Because overall I thought my darling boys would understand. I just thought they would be more emotional / tear-y for the first conversation, which would make things more difficult.

But I kept to my mental script (EAT this, TF… I can have a fucking poker face!!! I don’t always crack!!):

• First, I want you to remember that we love you. Forever, and forever. No matter what happens, how things might change. We love you. Even if Papa and I disagree and are less happy with each other, we will always love you. We have decided to separate, because we think long term this will be better, and make us happier.
• We love you, want the best for you. Papa and I might disagree on the details, on how to achieve the same outcome, but we definitely want the same outcome, which is the best for you
• [Q: Will one or both of you move out? Will you stay in houses which are near each other?] We haven’t decided on the details of who lives where, we will discuss and decide that over the coming months. Whether Papa stays in the house, or Mama stays in the house, or both of us leave the house. In the near term, things won’t change overnight, but we wanted to tell you now, so that the change isn’t so sudden.
• But what we know is that you will spend time with both of us. You will spend some time with Papa, you will spend some time with Mama, and we will both be in your lives. And we want you to stay in the same school, although I still think it would be nice for Big Boy-O to take the entrance exam of this specific school, just to see if he can get in
• [Q: Will we continue to do violin and Chinese?] Yes, we will continue to do violin and Chinese. We need to figure out the details, but we will continue to manage. We’re also going to try to get you signed up for swimming lessons.
• [Q from me to Big Boy-O: Why are you crying?] Because it’s a bit sad you are separating. [My response: It’s sad in the short term, but we believe we will be happier in the long term]

After the kids realised that things were going to stay relatively stable (same school, same activities, both of us will stay in their lives), and the AJ and I seemed quite civilised and calm, they seemed to be relatively fine with the news.

Big Boy-O said he wanted to play chess. And Baby-F said that he thinks it’s better because: (i) there will only be one person in the house at any time, so instead of one person working and one person looking after them; there will only be one person who will be working, so they can do whatever they want (hmmm…); (ii) Papa doesn’t really do / practice violin, so there will be less violin. (Really, how short termist! :-O)

I think they may start to get more worried over time, or have new worries, once the news sinks in. For now, I think they may be in a bit of a shock. But I think a calm start is net good, and I’d like to minimise worry and impact to them as possible. I asked them if they will forgive me, and they both said yes.