I met up with my cousin sister on Saturday to tell her my news, the fourth adult to know, apart from involved parties.

We had a long chat, about my news, and other stuff – things on her side which she hadn’t told me before, and we also chit chatted about other random, life stuff. Including anecdotes of other divorcees she knows.

At some point, she said said while I’m still young (haha, not really), and don’t necessarily need to worry about it, have I thought about the future, and if I’m okay with the prospect of potentially being single for the rest of my life. Because she took ~40 years to find someone, so the next time she finds someone, she’ll be 80. Haha.

I whipped out my phone and pulled my Hinge app, and said: “Yeah, I’ve started browsing already, and it’s definitely a mixed bag out there! And yeah… I’m okay with it. If I don’t find someone permanent, I guess I can at least have fun. :)”

I didn’t tell her that I had done my hyper ventilating and panicking before. And I’ve gone through my dizzy spells, system shock etc. What would be the point. I had kind of gotten through to the other side of the tunnel, for now. Being generically single is almost the least of my problems.

She laughed and said: “Wow, that’s quick!”

I asked her what apps she used, and she said she used Tinder and Bumble. And I said I had checked out Bumble too, but they wanted my pictures and had quite strict photo requirements etc. But she said that’s a good thing.

I showed her my profile pics, and she was aghast, and said: “But you’ll never get any hits / likes!”

I was like: “Actually, I’ve gotten a few – like 10+. Although the quality is really poor.”

She laughed because she thought I was clearly making zero effort to get any hits, and was really surprised that anyone had “liked” me at all. Her perspective is that anyone who actually “liked” me now, is definitely out, because there’s something wrong with them. She said I looked like a murderer in my photos. So the only people who like me must have nefarious intentions or have something wrong with them.

I laughed and said that KG had said the same thing when I showed him my profile and profile pictures. He was like: “You look like you’re blind. Or a murderer.” (Honestly, I don’t think I look THAT bad… but it’s true I’m trying to be unrecognisable on the photos, haha).

Funnily enough, the first time I showed him my profile pictures, on Thursday night I think (?), and we were browsing guys, his standards were really high and he was rejecting every single person, even the ones who I thought were, you know… maybe???

I‘m so depressed and in need of a distraction, that I had “liked” people I’m barely interested in, usually when I’m particularly depressed. Once they respond, if / when I’m no longer in the depths of despair, I’m like: “Meh, not sure I even want to meet them. Because I barely even liked them to start with”, so I end up not actually replying to the messages.

The next day (likely on Friday, 10th Feb), when we chatted again, and I said that given that he concluded that I should move on (from the very high level, vague, conceptual parameters I shared with him), this browsing is part of me trying to move on, and he shouldn’t be so picky on my behalf. Suddenly, he concluded that every other person on the app looked just fine. Until I ran out of “free likes” and I said, oh well, I can browse again tomorrow. And he laughed and accused me of being cheap (Him: “At least pay for the app!”; Me: “No!”). But he did think that I look blind, and my profile was crap… and so I wouldn’t be attracting the right type of guys.

My cousin-sister said when I’m ready to set up a serious profile, I should get in touch with her. In the meanwhile, this is a good enough distraction I guess. But maybe… just maybe… I should be a tiny bit more serious about it. Getting new inspiration might just be what I need to get out of my funk?