I haven’t written here in a while, mostly because I’ve become increasingly exercise-obsessed – it’s crazy how addictive fun exercise can be! Cardio, unfortunately, is NOT fun: which is why I was breathless and really struggling when I had to run through the airport twice in two days to catch my flights on Monday and Tuesday. Baaaaddd. Must. Do. More. Cardio. Actually, the problem to solve is actually: Must find Cardio which is FUN.
So, in my exercise-madness (mostly pole and ballet madness), I’ve been reading a bunch of pole and ballet blogs, and consequently (because it’s infectious, and I AM probably certifiably addicted to pole), I’ve been writing a lot of pole / ballet-related journal entries here, so as not to clutter up my sane-person journal. Although, perhaps “sane” might be considered by some to be debatable.

The biggest change in my life so far is that the Boy has found and started a new job! His first official day of work was 20th of Feb. There was some drama around it, because he had gotten an offer from an investment banking boutique first while he was still in the process of interviewing for Dream Job, and the bank wanted him to start within 4 days. He doesn’t want to do banking, but after 2.5 years of being unemployed, and in THIS job market, one doesn’t pass up a crappy job offer in the hand, for a potential dream job offer in the bush. So, after some intense strategising (with me), discussion (with Dream Employer), prep (for the case study for his interview), and to-and-froing (on the Dream Employer’s side, and between the Boy and the Dream Employer), he finally got a job offer the day before he was due to start at the Other Job. He had not signed the contract with the Other Job, and was expected to bring the signed copy with him on the first day.

So, all in all, it was a tense week for us during the second week of February. But all’s well that ends well: the Boy finally found a Dream Job in a corporate that allows him to work more or less 9 to 5 (9 to 6 actually), which will give him time to work on the Company in his spare time. The downside is that it doesn’t pay much – I guess it’s market rate for a corporate job – but there’s no way the both of us can survive on that salary, so I’ll have to continue working, Boo.

It’s a great relief to me, and in my relief at suddenly being able to make plans again, of not being stuck in a bog of uncertainty – I have let my enthusiasm over-run: I want a first floor 3-bedroom flat with high ceilings French windows and access to a garden, I think I want kids after all (more on this another day) etc. And the poor Boy is all stressed. He’s like: I’m earning income for the first time in 2 years, and I’m feeling poorer and more financially strapped than ever, especially since he’s mentioned in passing he’d like to save up to buy a ring for me. (On this, I’m a bit of an evil b*tch perfectionist and practical to a fault. I kind of know exactly what I want, and it will cost too much, so I’d rather not have any engagement ring at all than one that is not my Dream Ring – and I’d rather put the money towards a flat – my Dream Flat please!)

I feel for him, and so I’ve parked my aspirations for the meanwhile. I know it’s tough – hell, I can’t imagine living on his salary in Central London, definitely not have a family, and it looks like I’ll need to park my Dream Flat! So I’m trying not to panic and imagine having to spend my entire life in my lovely (but tiny!) one-bedroom flat.

But at the same time, I don’t know if he realises how stressed I’ve been the last few years – well, maybe not outright STRESSED – but strained. It’s not easy living with uncertainty, particularly financial uncertainty, especially given my family background of my dad living off my mom for half of their married life. And I’m a traditional girl at heart, if someone in the couple is going to be unemployed and lead a life of leisure, I’d like it to be me, not my partner. And with me being the only effective breadwinner in the family, it made it impossible for me to plan ahead, to think about building something beyond the here and now – and I’m nothing if not a dreamer and planner. I’ve done my best to insulate the Boy from my strain over the last couple of years – because it wasn’t easy for him not earning income either – but sometimes it comes out, and I guess he can guess that I’ve been under strain too.

Anyway, it seems to be the fashion nowadays, for girls to be the stoic (practical?) breadwinners, and guys to pursue their dreams / take risks – perhaps because guys can more easily pare back their expenses. Realistically, I know I NEED very little as well – most things in life aren’t necessary after all. But you know, I really LIKE having all the little nice-to-haves. I haven’t been the most stoic girlfriend/wife I know, because I know of several others in the same situation (now or in the past) or in even more difficult situations. But still, there’s no denying it’s a trial. I’m just hoping that, having had this trial (and hopefully can be considered to have successfully passed it!), which hasn’t been too bad for all that, I’ll be spared other, potentially more difficult trials in future.

My ex-boyfriend in the past was always quite paranoid. When we were (or he was) happy for too long a time, he started getting worried that he was TOO happy, life was too easy, and that the Gods, or Fate, or Life would begrudge him his over-abundant happiness, and would send trials or punishments his way. I guess that was right – because eventually, we would quarrel and be miserable, and finally, we had broken up. Way to go for punishment, and evidence for Newton’s third law of “equal and opposite reaction”!

– SAPPINESS ALERT –

So, even now, I am slightly superstitious. I am always slightly worried about being too happy, and I constantly remind myself not to take my happy days for granted, and I constantly appreciate everything and thank the powers that be for my happiness. Yes, there are financial worries, yes we sometimes quarrel, but at the end of it all, I feel loved, and I am really happy to have found someone (after a SEVEN YEAR DROUGHT!!!) with similar values, outlook, mindset, interests – who loves me, and who I love. It feels like lottery (although I wouldn’t mind a real lottery with cold hard cash too – anyone Upstairs writing this down??), and I sometimes feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

p/s let’s hope I don’t eat my words tomorrow (or too soon) by breaking up dramatically!