… courage, and resilience to do what is right? To carry on… despite the bad odds, my fear?

I must – have to. I will. I do.

~~~

Today is the start of Week 4 of the clock, which started on the second week of the Gregorian new year of 2023. I suppose the first week of 2023 (effectively Week 0 of the clock) was a bit like a preamble. I’ve told myself that I will do one thing a week. Despite it feeling like I am swimming through jello (“jelly” :)), I think I’m almost outperforming… doing slightly more than one thing per week. Albeit, I am having a mini ‘hiatus’ during the CNY period, at least on some aspects. I am plodding ahead with other homework.

~~~

This morning, I Skyped my parents again, the second weekend in a row, and second time during CNY. I am trying to Skype them more based on feedback that I don’t speak to them often enough. I know they miss me. It’s just that every conversation with them is so… draining.

Today, my dad rattled off that: ‘This guy cousin of you just got promoted; so did this girl cousin of yours; and do you know that this niece of yours just got promoted to manager, of this major bank, only 6 years after starting work? There’s no racism in Malaysia any more, especially not in the private sector. If you work hard, you’ll get promoted because the companies want to make money…”

I tried to entertain them a bit, and skirt around the issue, and explain that the promotion is quite fixed at junior levels in banking, but is less straightforward the more senior you get. But my dad kept making all these obviously loaded remarks and comments. I got fed up, and asked somewhat flatly: “So… are you saying I’m not working hard enough? Or that I should move back to Malaysia to get promoted?”

And then my dad got frustrated at me, and metaphorically flung his arms into the air, and my mum said: “She just doesn’t want to listen to you (your advice).”

I don’t just don’t know how many times they expect me to tell them that it is not fucking realistic for me to move my entire family back to Malaysia. It’s not like AJ can get a decent paying job there, for his level of experience and seniority, and what he does. Same for me, even though it might seem marginally more straightforward for me, being Malaysian. But I’ve never worked in Malaysia. And I would definitely not fit into the work culture there. I’m already too direct and blunt (albeit I do my best to disguise it) for Europe. There’s just NO WAY my level of “insolence” will be tolerated in Malaysia or most / all of Asia. Just NOT A CHANCE! It’s literally not even funny.

This is why I don’t Skype them very much. I just don’t want to open up or deal with another battlefront. I really have limited mental and emotional capacity.

For now, I have one friend, ally and supporter with me. Just the one. Or maybe 1.5, if you take into account the fact that I accidentally blurted out my news to a friend / colleague, when he was pushing me hard to be more aggressive / assertive with my boss to push for a meaningful promotion, rather than a non-event fake promotion.

Dear World – please give me a break!

~~~

Today, we also went for a Group Suzuki Concert in which Baby-F played. He looked super smart in his jacket and tie. Unfortunately, he was a bit over-excited and dissipated, and ended up looking quite dishevelled on the stage.

~~~

Finally, had CNY dinner with my cousin-sister and her husband in the evening. It was really nice to hang. It was quite light-hearted and fun, and in a way, I got to know her better… or at least her self-perception, and her husband’s perception of her… better. Maybe she will understand and be supportive / an ally / non-judgemental when I speak to her / tell her my news in February. I’ve asked to meet up with her post the 2-week CNY period.

I can’t believe we are still in January! This is literally… the LONGEST month. In some ways, it has flown by. In others… how can it STILL be January??!!

~~~

I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.”

“The Bell Jar”, Sylvia Plath