Exhausted. My trip was not as bad as expected.

I was in MUCH better shape than I had expected. Before the fact, I was genuinely terrified that I might end up being catatonic, and would need my (slightly unreliable) backstop to scrape me off the floor in the mornings, to shake sense into me and get me out the door into a semblance of a functioning human being.

As it happened, things went much, much more smoothly than I had expected. I hit it out of my own ballpark:

  • I debuted my spiked Louboutin boots
  • I only ended up taking 2 paracetamol, despite the the industrial quantities of painkillers I brought
  • KG (my backstop) and I chatted on Wednesday night (I started crying, and we went for a walk, then maybe ended up sitting in the corridor outside my room). And Thursday night, we stayed out until the end, and then chatted until 3am+ in the corridor outside my room.
  • I ended up having daily breakfast ‘networking’ meetings at 7:30am or 8am, which forced me out of bed successfully, and also helped stiffen my spine for each day ahead. And it was good to make new connections, is good for my career.
  • The function sessions I was responsible for largely went smoothly. Despite a slight logistical hitch around the delivery of the Lego. And a Zoom / audio / IT kerfuffle, overall things went well. And I think my boss’s opinion of me net probably improved, given my ‘bridezilla’ efforts, composure in pivoting and managing when things went off-plan as they inevitably do, and relatively good public speaking performance (my public speaking this time went much better than all the other times I’ve spoken in ‘public’ via video conference).
  • I did a bit of a ‘leadership’ thing, had face time with the broader set of folks in my function, and was reasonably friendly / present. Sat with another function for one dinner, so can fake like I care about another function, although in fact, I was very kindly adopted. And I was very grateful the Indonesian girl picked me up and ‘adopted’ me, when I was standing around feeling lost and depressed
  • Spent some 1:1 time with my boss and probably raised my profile overall, because apparently the whole world saw he and I sitting and working for 3 hours in the hotel reception. Per my usual oblivious self, I didn’t really notice anyone else when I was ‘in the zone’.
  • I let my hair down a bit and danced on Thursday night (because I had been wound up so tight all the way)
  • For an introverted person, who doesn’t like politics, I probably raised my profile in a very efficient manner. At some point on Thursday night, KG pushed me into the throng, and stopped right to where most of our Executive Team were, so I maximised my time, effort, and impact, and briefly spoke to one of the two Executive Team members I had never met or spoken to in person. First, our “CPTO” FZ, was probably already a promoter, especially since I ‘adopted’ his new right hand very quickly. I also complimented him on his keynote, which was genuinely SUPER FUCKING IMPRESSIVE. He is SUCH a storyteller!! Love it! The other, our CRO, might hate me, or is neutral at best. When he disappeared from the dance area I was at, I conducted a “surgical strike”. I made a beeline for him, and spoke to him briefly in the noise at some point, and… if he was sufficiently sober… I can only hope I made enough of an impression in a very short time (maybe 1-2 minutes max), to hopefully be able influence him to make the right decisions. And then I extracted myself and headed out of the throng.

KG and I flew back together, and he sat with me. And I told him that I was really worried before the fact, and thought he might have to scrape me off the floor. He was like: “Really?”, and slightly surprised. Because before the fact, maybe I acted quite casual about it, and just asked him to keep me safe and out of trouble: “Don’t let anyone sexually harass me, and don’t let me sexually harass anyone, haha”. And I also mentioned I brought painkillers etc. I don’t think he realised how properly terrified I was. But I suppose, knowing me, and how I really struggle to ask for help, he could guess it was important to me.

A quote our CEO shared in his intro session on Day 1. We talked about moving forward with a Day 0 mentality.
Crucible ‘ crucible moment, was a keynote for our CPTO‘s session, and he used a diving story with his daughter as the thematic ‘wrapper’ for his session, which was amazing. Maybe it particularly resonated with me because I’m a diver. But he is a brilliant storyteller!

The past week felt like I was in a crucible. I was terrified, and I feel / felt exhausted and destroyed after the fact. But I’m picking myself up, mentally scraping myself off the floor, and putting one foot in front of another. The next few weeks and months will continue to feel like I’m in a crucible. But I’ve survived the first one.