I was curious about the head chef I came across on Tinder (naturally!), and so messaged him.

We had a little back and forth, and I very quickly figured out where he works at, and then he wanted to know more about me, because I had my extra anonymous photos on (thermal camera & x-ray settings).

I made some jokes about being a blind murderer etc (because my cousin sister and friend made those comments).

I eventually shared my picture, and the fact that I was using my “Starbucks name” on Tinder, with the comment that my whole anonymity thing wasn’t working out so well. And I made jokey comment it probably being fine as long he wasn’t a murderer, and maybe he was catfishing by stealing this poor nice chef’s identity.

And he was like: “How many times do you have to say that word (murderer) wow”, “Geez you’re so paranoid”, “What happened to you”

I started crying (although obviously the guy didn’t know). Because I was trying to be light-hearted and jokey (I give zero fucks, this is just largely just a distraction after all). I didn’t realise I came across as so damaged. I guess I’m still in a really fragile state.

I suppose I’m very lucky, that the two guys I have exchanged messages with on Tinder seem to be bona fide, nice guys. Nice and gentle enough at least. Not sure we will ever meet up or progress beyond messaging. If I meet them, and we find that we don’t get on, then I don’t even get my ‘therapy’ of connecting anonymously with people just going through a shitty time, like I am. To feel less alone.

Because life sucks sometimes.