Big-Boy-O and I had a huge row today. It started with him using his hands to eat his noodles during dinner. I took away his privilege of having dessert, because he had been repeatedly told not to use his hands to eat, except in the limited cases where it was appropriate (e.g. roti, bone-on chicken, fries). He started debating with me on why it was unfair (I wasn’t eating the noodles, just touching it. Why are you so violent? Why are you so mean? Baby-F is provoking me. It’s unfair he gets to eat dessert and I don’t!). And very soon it escalated into him being increasingly strident and unreasonable, crying more and more and having a full meltdown while I removed more and more days of dessert.

His ‘nanny’ took him for a time-out while Baby-F finished his dinner and dessert. Then it was shower time. While the boys usually shower together, because they often play / fight in the shower, and given how angry Big-Boy-O was today at his brother, I decided to let Baby-F shower first while Big-Boy-O finished his meal. I didn’t want the boys to fight in the shower, me to have to referee, and / or potentially wade in to break up the fight and get wet.

Soon Big-Boy-O’s accusations got ever more wild and outlandish over the evening:

• “It’s so unfair that Baby-F gets to shower first, I don’t want him to play while I’m showering!” >> I explained my rationale above
• “It’s so unfair that you don’t scold Baby-F for changing the temperature on the shower. Papa never allows us to change the temperature” >> I explained that I don’t think it’s that a big of a deal to change the temperature, so I might not scold them anyway. But in any case, I’m not actually sure Baby-F did change the temperature, because I didn’t witness, and the cleaner came in today, and might have accidentally changed the temperature while cleaning.
• “You’re always so strict with me – too strict! You like [Baby-F] more than me!” >> I was truly flabbergasted by this. I was like: huh, whaddya mean? Firstly, just recently you were convinced I like you more than Baby-F. Secondly, I told you that was not true and I loved you both equally.
• “You might have changed your mind! And now you like him more!” >> What??! I don’t change my mind about these things. I firmly asserted: ‘No, never! I won’t change my mind about this. You’re both my kids, and I love you equally. I’ve said that before, and I’ll say that again. I love you both the same!’

Having said that, I have been deliberately more affectionate with Baby-F recently, when the opportunity arises, or when I think the context is right. Because I can see why he feels like I love Big-Boy-O more – I’ve spent more time with Big-Boy-O over time (as the older child), and speak more with him on complex topics, I do defend him more than Baby-F when AJ is around, I’ve spent a relatively larger part of his life being distracted / depressed, and as a second child he generally has probably gotten less parental attention over his lifetime. And given that AJ has been away more for work recently, and he feels like AJ is “his” parent (the one on his side), I didn’t want him to feel left out and ‘abandoned’. And I also don’t have to defend Big-Boy-O as much from what I consider unfair criticism.

The great thing about Big-Boy-O (although I think it actually applies to both my boys. I’ve just ‘tested’ it more with Big-Boy), is that we generally have this magical relationship, where after our (occasional) big bust up, we generally repair quickly and well. I think since they have been little kids (again, it just happened more with Big-Boy, probably because he is more emotional and has more anger-management issues) – I’ve always worked to repair our ruptures by apologising when I’m in the wrong (after I have calmed down), and then asking for forgiveness. And he (they) have generally forgiven me readily. I don’t think there have been many occasions where we have held a grudge overnight / before bedtime. I do feel like I have a special relationship with Big Boy especially. It’s only less so with Baby-F because I think he leans / prefers his dad more, I think largely because of my perceived preference for Big Boy, and my sub-optimal situation over the last couple of years, which is a full third of his life so far. So we just don’t have that depth of ‘banked’ trust and experiences that we can draw on. I do love my baby boys, and feel so blessed to have them!

On a side – but related – note, I came across this article on LinkedIn (weirdly enough!) today, which talks about the importance of nurturing fathers in children’s lives (relatively more important for boys – not new news – but also for girls), and how often mothers end up “gatekeeping” and sidelining fathers.