Today, I met a long-time friend of mine. Apparently the last time we met in person I was about to start my current job, so it’s been more than a year and a half! She suggested meeting up for coffee, and we spent the first hour chatting first about my job, then the fact that she’ll be resigning from her current job to start a new role soon.

Just when we were about to wrap up and go our separate ways, I had a quick debate in my head whether to share my news or not, or wait until the process is finalised in summer – because she and I didn’t have that much time left. But then I thought I’d just mention it, so it doesn’t come as entirely a surprise when the time comes… and besides… who knows when I’ll see her again, given our patchy track record of meeting up.

So I took a (mental) breath, and told her: “Oh by the way, AJ and are in the process of divorcing”. She asked if there was something specific driving it, or if it was just boredom or growing apart, and when we process started. I said: “Something like that, I don’t want to go into details. But at a high level, it’s something like that. We filed in January and will complete in summer.”

She then shared that she had been considering separating from her husband as well, and broached it with in 2018. But she never got around to it for various reasons. Mostly because her husband was upset, and didn’t want to separate. Partly because their lives were largely separate anyway, and it didn’t affect her too much on a day to day basis, but she has been progressively distancing himself from him. Partly because she was busy and stressed with work, and looking for a new job, and a divorce would just be additional complexity and stress. She said she feels guilt and culpable for causing her husband pain, and question her previous decisions earlier in life. And she didn’t know who she could talk to about this.

I explained how it was similar for me – I had been struggling internally, and been ashamed and guilt-ridden, and didn’t know what to do. Because AJ is fundamentally a good person, and hasn’t done anything wrong. So it would seem inexplicable and irresponsible of me to separate, because I had kids – at least she doesn’t have kids – especially with a conservative, Asian perspective.

She explained how it’s really not such a big deal nowadays. She knows two friends who are divorced with kids – maybe it’s a 40s thing. People grow and evolve, and may grow apart after all. One co-parents with her husband – they live in the same block with their new partners, have keys to each other’s homes, and have dinners together. And this friend says she gets along much better with her ex-husband now that they are friends, compared to when they were married. Another friend is living in Singapore – the divorce was less amicable there – she has primary care of their child, who lives with her and her new partner, and her husband only has visitation / care rights on weekends.

I got quite emotional when I explained how isolated, and at a loss I’ve been feeling – crying alone in the bathroom, and having to lie to the kids and tell them I’m stressed by work, every time they catch me crying. I wasn’t as good a mother as I should have been, the kids deserved a mother who was present, and not miserable. And I just decided I could live like that anymore, not for the rest of my life. I’ve been struggling to meet people because I felt I couldn’t and didn’t want to talk to people because I was depressed and struggling internally, and didn’t want to talk about it. She said it was the same with her – she hides at home as she has a depressing life. But said that it’s worse for me because I have to pretend to be strong for my kids, and hide my tears. Whereas she can just cry if she wants to, because it’s only her husband at home.

I felt sad about the situation, and almost wonder why it is that we (humans) feel so ashamed about our feelings, vulnerabilities and imperfections, that we put up these walls, and isolate ourselves from those who might be going through the same thing. (Although for me, I understand why – it was out of loyalty to AJ) How many of us “lead lives of quiet desperation” alone?

I had withdrawn so much into myself that, in many ways, I feel like I had become invisible. No one really saw me. I had my internal self – my feelings, emotions, desires, hopes, guilt, shame – compressed down and boxed into a steel-banded, iron box. Ignored, and denied. And that was particularly difficult for me – even TF has commented on my ‘passion’ – so I found the boxing exhausting. It was taking all my strength, energy and willpower to keep everything in check. And I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone about it.

My friend said: “You are very social so must have been difficult for you”. I found it quite funny, as I don’t think I’m *that* social. I’ve always considered myself quite introverted – but I guess she is even more so. But it’s true that I was more extroverted when I was younger. Maybe, over the years, I had progressively, subconsciously withdrawn further and further into myself as I became less and less happy, and consequently less and less able to express myself… because I considered my feelings ‘wrong’ and ‘inappropriate’ in the context – there was no good reason to be unhappy. I *should* be happy, and therefore any unhappiness must be denied.

Anyway, so we’ve now agreed to meet up again next week. It’ll be nice, to hang out and chat more freely. She said she has friends our age who are not married and have never been married, and are serial daters, and seem to be fine with it. I’ve never seriously dated. I’ve only had one intense period of dating – but with only generally only 1-2 dates per person. Most of the rest of my life, I’ve either been too busy, or depressed / withdrawn / disengaged, or been in long-term relationships / marriage.

I suppose even if don’t find a new partner, dating could be fun. It would be new experience at least. I’ve been too goody two shoes, and scaredy cat all my life. Still am a little bit. (Although some might have a differing opinion. But I guess it depends on perspectives and what ‘norms’ form their baseline)