Yesterday, at Big Boy-O’s classmate’s birthday party, one of the dads asked casually in a conversation how we were. AJ said he wasn’t great, but didn’t really elaborate when the parent tried to probe further, and I think he was a bit nonplussed. He turned to me, and asked how I was. I replied lightly: “I’m okay”, which I think perhaps bemused him even more.

Some may consider that I’m lying, being dishonest. But there’s the right time, right place, right context to share the right level of information. “Thoughtful transparency”, in the words of TF, which KG and I chuckled over.

I chose to be evasive primarily because: (i) the guy was a parent I only have a nodding acquaintance with, (ii) we are in a “through train” school where we might be in the same community for the next 14 years (don’t want to facilitate gossip which will impact the boys), and (iii) it was a social setting at his twins’ birthday party… a situation which didn’t lend itself to transparency. But also because I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t crack and break down in public, if I didn’t keep my walls high, my box strong.

It’s often feels overwhelming, living with so much insecurity, uncertainty, and fear. I drop some balls, forget details, get things wrong… a few weeks ago I didn’t pick up a mistake at work (one number looked off and tickled my brain, but didn’t register sufficiently for me to investigate until TF called it out), today I brought the wrong Music Theory book for Big-Boy-O to music class, I often mix up dates and times slightly.

I am stressed, feel embattled – at work, at home – and feel like many of my basic safety needs aren’t being met. Happily, one of the few things I can still feel secure about is that Big-Boy-O and Baby-F love me and care for me. They are being strong, patient, and kind. They are just so incredible. Even though, from time to time, they are also infuriating.

These days are so dark and difficult. Maybe one day, in the future, I might look back on these days fondly, or think “they weren’t so bad”. But for now, I struggle to imagine it. I struggle to look through these days to the light at the end of the tunnel. But I must, will, push through. And I will hold on to the words which helped keep me sane through the most difficult days of the boys’ babyhood and infancy: “This too shall pass”

A song which somewhat captures some of my mood – “Wake me up” by Avici (lyrics here).