Another eventful week.

Monday (22nd):

  • CEO announced impending job cuts, first to leaders, then by email to entire employee base

Tuesday (23rd):

  • Rising feeling of dread, but I don’t recall anything specific.

Wednesday (24th):

  • ‘Big-Boy-O’ had his school’s charity run (“Run for Hunger”) at Coram’s Fields, where he ran 11 rounds (in the top ~25% of performance, only one girl ran 12 rounds).
  • People who were ‘impacted’ by redundancies were notified in a number of countries, but not all. In my function, most of the German-based team was culled.
  • AJ and I went for a “last supper” at Cycene by Blue Mountain School. The food was excellent – the atmosphere and experience lovely. The context was a bit unfortunate, and I cried several times because AJ and I ended up talking about things. I really hate crying at starred restaurants. And AJ gave me a really lovely 10-year anniversary present.
  • AJ and the boys also officially moved out this week, starting Wednesday night. Definitely a notable milestone, and another step in the transition. The kids stayed over in the new flat, and AJ went back to his after the dinner. This was the first night I’ve been completely alone in the really long time – no AJ, no kids in the house. A slightly weird feeling.

Thursday (25th):

  • ‘Baby-F’ had his school’s charity run (“Run for Hunger”) at Sunken Gardens, where ran ~15 rounds (he thinks he ran 16, but not sure. I think he should be well within top quartile performance).
  • Had dinner with an old school friend at our now semi-usual C&R Cafe haunt, and then a drink and some cheese at Gordon’s Wine Bar. I used to work just nearby but had never been. Really lovely and atmospheric place – glad she found it and brought me there! We had a really lovely time and chat, and at the end she commented “you’re quite intense”. Haha, yes I am, I can definitely be that sometimes.

Friday (26th):

  • 30 minute cardio exercise in the morning – the first in a long time!
  • All Hands for my function where TF announced cuts, and shared context, and answered some seeded questions. I choked up with emotion at some point, and switched the camera off before crying.
  • Some normalcy – dinner with AJ and the boys at our local Malaysian after their swimming lesson nearby.

Saturday (27th):

  • 20 minute core strengthening exercise.
  • Met an old work colleague and friend for brunch in Richmond, then a long riverside walk, with a couple of breaks, ending with Japanese in Putney. I was exhausted at the end of the day, having walked 38K steps in platform sandals! Feet destroyed.

Sunday (28th):

  • Slept almost 8 hours, and woke up past 8am – a real novelty!!
  • 40 minute stretching exercise.
  • Met the same friend for brunch at E5 Bakehouse, a stroll to Victoria Park, then Columbia Road flower market, before heading back to hers – it was the first time I’ve ever been to her place. After a short break, had ice cream nearby, then took a canal walk to Coal Drops Yard near Kings Cross. It’s been really lovely hanging with this friend of mine, and getting to know her better. We never really had too many in depth conversations, and she tended to be quite stressy (much like me) and more gloomy / downbeat. But she seems to have become much more positive… I’m not sure if it’s part of the new phase in her life, or her new approach to life, or if she is trying to cheer me up / give me strength… but she definitely biases more towards the positive. I’m finding her company very uplifting, especially at this stage where my fear and anxiety levels have become debilitating, and it sometimes feel like my heart is almost crawling out of my chest. She reminds me of all the positive things ahead, once I get through this stage.

2023 has been such an interminably long, tortuous, and difficult year. On the personal and work front. With ups and downs, twists and turns, betrayals, disappointments, plots, counterplots, sub-plots, and a lot of unimaginable actions, decisions, choices, and outcomes. Well… imaginable… but I would have thought… not that probable. Like some really melodramatic telenovela or Korean drama.

It’s all I can do to just about hang on for dear life, and not disappear beneath the foaming waves.

I am, I am, I am.

“Last supper” at Cycene by Blue Mountain School and Theo Clench (9 Chance Street, London E2 7JB)