My coffee interview went well enough this morning. I was slightly overdressed compared to how casual my potential manager dressed – she turned up in jeans and a casual collared shirt, whereas I had worn a wrap dress and knee-high boots. I really liked the CFO in person – she’s warm, but also straight talking. I also loved her lilting Irish brogue. I noticed how quickly her body language can sometimes change from being receptive to being completely walled off in the blink of an eye. One to watch out for. I think there are certain topics which clearly trigger her. Once she became super defensive when I touched upon weaknesses I had as a candidate (the example I mentioned was needing to watch out to avoid jumping in and doing things myself) – she immediately crossed her arms and walled herself off so quickly that I got positively alarmed. There was one other instance she did something similar… I can’t remember what we were talking about… maybe something around feedback on her org? I think I would get on with her, which is great. Apparently Irish are straight talkers, which would suit me well. The next (final?) step is to have a video call with CEO. I am one of two final candidates, and I guess it’s down to his preference, and if he can work with me, and I him.

I really want this to work out. I can see already see how chaotic it’s going to be, and how horrific the politics will likely be. But it comes with a specific mandate and scope that I am looking for, and it’s a new place, so I’m willing to don my armour and join the fight, because I think this one will be better. The CEO is an experienced CEO, and has even done IBD as an analyst / associate, so he shouldn’t be flailing around too much, and should be more confident. After two first-time CEOs, I think I’m ready for an experienced leader at the helm, for a change!

I’m always supportive of new CEOs, or people new to their roles – because the first time anyone takes up a new role, is by definition, a step up – and I believe in giving people the opportunity and space to grow. But I’m tired of inexperienced CEOs learning on the job, and not very well at that. I didn’t knock ED as a CEO when people dismissed him as a first time CEO, although I saw the writing on the wall; I also suspended my judgement – perhaps for too long – on FZ, when he became a first time CEO. I gave him the benefit of the doubt for perhaps too long, because he always seemed to take my steer on M&A, which is as well he should, although he did try to pressure me to effectively buy anything, which I ignored.

I remember KG commenting one day, “I’ve just realised something… you don’t care about prestige / promotion, or money. You just do what you think is right. That’s why you’re so [scary].” I can’t remember if the word he used was scary, or something else… to the effect that I can’t be manipulated because I don’t care about these other elements. I kind of chuckled. It’s not entirely true… I do care about those things – getting recognition / getting promoted / getting more money. I just also believe in doing what is right, and I’m not going to compromise my principles for any of those things. At least, not at this level of stakes. If the choice is between starving / homelessness vs billions, I’m sure I won’t care about principles then.

There’s a quote that I’ve always loved from Breakfast at Tiffany’s, because it expresses very well what I feel:

“I don’t mean I’d mind being rich and famous. That’s very much on my schedule, and someday I’ll try to get around to it; but if it happens, I’d like to have my ego tagging along. I want to still be me when I wake up one fine morning and have breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

– Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany’s

That’s why when I see wildly successful, rich, and famous people… to some extent I admire them, and their drive to get there. I’m not ruthless enough, hungry enough, greedy enough for wealth and fame… because it usually requires a level of sacrifice, a price that I am not willing to pay. Because if and when I get there, I’d like to still be myself – I’d like to be true to my 10, 12-year old self, that little girl in Malaysia with her dreams.

I took it easy the rest of the day and did some more spring cleaning / decluttering. I mentioned to the CFO lady that I was planning to do some KonMari-ing today, and she was like, “Oh, spark joy?” I was like, “Yeah.” Most of the pile were old boxes, but I also got rid of some clothes, broken Tupperware containers, and old bag, and some knick knacks. I also threw out a bunch of my flea treatments and flea traps… I had kept them on in case I might need to use them again… but they are the complete opposite of sparking joy, and I decided to be confident that I will never face a flea infestation again. Again, I was feeling dizzy, weak, and really sad and emotional today, which made all the discarding very difficult. It didn’t help that I couldn’t find my house keys most of the day, so was feeling a kind of rising internal panic which I managed to temper into a low-medium grade anxiety. But happily, I managed to find my house keys, which had fallen behind the shoe bench.

I also decided to change up the layout of my room. I used to rearrange the ornaments in my parents’ home, and change the layout of my hostel room every 6 months… because it helps me feel less ‘stuck’ and static. I haven’t really changed things up in the home much… I suppose it’s always more difficult when you’re living with someone, and have to compromise. But now I can do whatever I want, so I decided to change the layout on a whim. But the challenge now is that I am alone, and also not feeling 100%. At some point I thought I had bitten off more than I can chew, when I could barely move the bed, and then move the hefty mattress back on the bed. I had forgotten that we have two tempur mattresses (which are heavy) stacked on top of one another…

My nose was dripping all day, and my throat is still scratchy. I guess it’s normal that I’ve fallen ill, given that I registered no sleep at all on Tuesday, when I made my convoluted way back to London. But I hope a final night of Night Nurse will be the cure that finally buries the bug. I’m going out for bottomless brunch and some dancing tomorrow. I even bought a cute outfit that I’ll be wearing for the occasion. People keep telling me I should have fun. And it’s true it feels like I never go out and have fun, and never have an occasion to dress up, so I am quite looking forward to it. Although the last time I wore a dress to meet someone, they were more enthusiastic than I would have preferred…