On change…

I really do my best to find the silver lining in every situation. Even in the bleakest and darkest times.

One of my old A-levels teachers once commented that he imagined I’ll be my chirpy and optimistic self even if I were in a concentration camp. (Hmmm… not entirely sure I agree with him)

Anyway… this time, I’m trying to tell myself that having to do a lot of things that I’ve never had to do before is… I suppose, a learning opportunity!

At least, even if my career is going literally nowhere… at least the fact that I find work mind-numbingly boring, and can do it blind-folded, one hand tied behind my back, and – to paraphrase a character from ‘Rent the Musical’ – while dancing backwards in heels!, means that I can channel some energy and effort into… other change. Despite the fact that there is also significant upheaval at work… but that’s almost a non-event for me, in comparison.

When reflecting on all the upcoming stress and change… I tell myself that it’s like an adventure. I mean, I have experienced a lot of stress and change in the past years anyway… albeit perhaps to different levels and intensities (and in a midst of a lot of good times as well): AJ being unemployed off and on (and the latest stint right before COVID struck), me having my first (unplanned) kid when I was unemployed, 2 adults 2 kids an 2 cats living on top of one another in a 1 bedroom flat, the past few years of personal struggles / indecision / stasis, combined with work frustration-cum-uncertainties and AJ’s work bust-boom-bust-boom, my 3-boss rotation in 12 months and personal chaos.

So even though change is *terrifying*. Moments of hyperventilation, my chest tightening… I tell myself, it’s also an adventure, and I try to put on brave smile when I can muster the energy (peppered with bouts of crying). Which might look… perverse, and self-satisfied… but is really just me trying to find the silver lining. Looking on the bright side.

A friend said to me that it’s much better on the other side.

I certainly fucking hope so!!!

On boundaries…

I came across this article on ‘ghosting’ in my inbox today, which I found interesting. I remember a friend and I debating / discussing this topic around ghosting, boundaries, and the fact that we live in 2022-23, not the Stone Age. I’d like to think that even though in this instance, we started off from diametrically opposite points of views… we’ve tried to ‘learn’, cross a bridge, and compromise in our own ways. My friend took into account my point of view, and acted in contravention to their diametric opposed view on boundaries. And I am taking into account their point of view, which contravenes my own belief. Although, I suppose it aligns with my belief on freedom and choice.

On new beginnings…

Tomorrow is Chinese New Year. The Year of the Rabbit. I don’t even know if it is meant to be a ‘good’ year for me. I know this year I’m being a particularly ‘bad’ Chinese person… I’ve barely tidied up / cleaned my place like I ought to. Unlike most years, when I’m quite excited in the run-up to CNY, and decorate and tidy up… I’ve just bought a few decorations, which i haven’t put up yet. And I think I’ve probably cleared away one bin, haha.

But at least I did buy some decorations. And I will cook a family reunion dinner tonight.

Last year we didn’t even have a real Chinese New Year’s Even “Reunion” dinner, because AJ was travelling for work. Instead, I just had a Chinese New Year’s Eve dinner with the kids, and then a friend.

I still have a few hours now… so even though I can’t fully tidy up, I can make a tiny dent in the mess. And in some ways, I have sorted some shit out pre CNY. Others, I will leave to the start of a new, fresh year. My second new year in quick succession – first the ‘standard’ new year, then now, Chinese New Year.

Chinese New Year is important for me this year, in a way. It’s a new beginning. And I suppose I will take every day as a new beginning. Every day, every week… I take a step forward, I face new demons, challenges… stride into my own brave new world.

I’m jumping out of a plane without a parachute… …and I hope I don’t squish like a melon on the floor.

I watched Alice in Borderland last night, and at some point, after the Queen of Spades loses the game ‘Checkmate’, she turns to the main characters and said something along the lines of “I want to live free until my last breath. See you later”, and she climbs over a railing, and turns around and free falls backwards, facing the sky… when a laser beam shoots down from the sky and kills her. It was beautiful.

But, I will be less morbid at least for the next 24 hours… because I’ve been told I’m not allowed to be morbid, and say any bad words or be even remotely negative at least on the first day of Chinese New Year (正月初一). I’ll also do my best best best to be happy and chipper, and light light light, for the remaining 2 weeks of CNY. I was also told that you can’t carry debts over from one year to another, because you then will owe people for life. Which is why I’ve tried to sort out some crap this past week, and clear the air / discuss things, despite being Ms Avoidant extraordinaire. And also agree high level timelines and milestones for after the 2 week period, or at least to clear ’Day 1’, so there’s hopefully less ill will and no negative words and mindset. And at least not on Day 1.

I will be brave, and smile, and be happy, and hopeful on Chinese New Year, Spring Festival (春节). And I hope (or at least will strive to be) for the rest of my life too, through all the inevitable ups and downs. Fingers crossed I get to at least 73!!