Yesterday, the first day of CNY, I looked for flight tickets back home for Easter break. I looked at direct flight options, and ran them by AJ in the evening to see what he thought. It’s been ages since I’ve researched and bought flight tickets, because AJ usually does them. And he often comes up with quite creative but slightly convoluted flights to save on air fare and still have engaging holidays.

This time, because he may not come with us for Easter – he was undecided – I only looked at direct flights, but at less optimal times to fly to get cheaper air fares. AJ balked at the price, and suggested that he look into the flights today.

Tonight, I prompted him about the flights again, and he was like: “Do you want to book the flights tonight?”

I responded: “We don’t *need* to book it tonight, but the more we delay, the more expensive the flight tickets will be. We can wait maybe until the weekend to book it, but I’d rather book it sooner rather than later – ideally tonight or tomorrow night.”

The thing is, I’ve already put off making decisions for so long… putting things off, because I didn’t want to confront and make difficult choices, and every decision has a cost or consequence down the road. So instead, I’ve tried to kick the can down the road on so many things… from smaller decisions like whether to update my wardrobe, to medium decisions like should we buy a new bed for Big-Boy-O post-flood (we eventually did, but it hasn’t arrived yet), to big decisions like should we renovate our flat. And what do I have to show for it?

Now that a big decision has been made… even if it’s difficult… and it entails many smaller (but still substantial) decisions… I don’t want to wait around anymore, kicking the can down to “mañana mañana“. Time is a tick tocking. Even though this year has just begun… and sometimes it feels PAINFULLY slow… in other ways, it’s passing by… and I need to things to get a-movin’.

I commented to AJ that my parents will criticise me anyway. Whether it’s for this or that. Nothing I do will ever be good enough.So net… whether I go back for holiday for one week or two, stay in KL for the entire time or visit other places, go back with or without AJ, whether I disclose facts now or later… regardless of the permutation… I will get into a row with my parents, and they will criticise me anyway… for one thing or another.

The substance or specifics of the criticism may differ. But the fact that what I do (or who I am) will be inevitably one or more of the following: (i) disappointing, (ii) unwise, (iii) childish, (iv) shows that I don’t have the right brain / mindset, (v) a clear indicator I’m a traitor to my race and culture, (vi) morally decayed / decadent / corrupted, (vii) ungrateful, (viii) rash etc. … that is not really in contention.

After my recent conversation with my mum and dad on CNY Day 1, which really puzzled me – I tried to parse their words for cryptic messages, inferences, and what exactly are their latest desires and expectations of me. In the end, I’ve mentally thrown my hands up in the air, and concluded that, my parents make no sense. Or at least it’s impossible for me to live up to their ever-evolving expectations and ideals. So frankly, I might as well live my own life.