… when I’m feeling particularly sorry for myself, which is (let’s face it), quite a lot these days… I wonder if there’s something about me, which makes me particularly easy to abandon, to leave, to walk away from.

My mum, my real one – the one who raised me, is one person who didn’t though. 

When I was growing up, she and dad used to quarrel and threaten to divorce a lot. But I would run into the room crying, asking them not to divorce. Especially because I was asked “Who would you choose?”, which meant that I had to choose one parent or the other. I preferred my mum, but my dad threatened to take me away from her. And, for all his faults, I always thought he loved me too, and needed me in his life.

Now, in her 70s / 80s, she is still unhappily married to him, and has been for 30+ years since I first asked them not to divorce. I feel that burden of guilt for her sacrifice over the years. Although, in my case, I suppose it was a bit specific. Because she might have lost me altogether if she and my dad had divorced. I think he would have fought to keep me with him, because I had biological / blood ties to her, and this probably would have gotten people into trouble (probably wasn’t legal).

Big-Boy-O cried over the weekend, asking me not to divorce and break up the family: “Things are good now. Why do you have to divorce and move into separate houses and not be together?”

And I explained:

• Things might seem good now, and maybe it’s good enough. But it will get worse over time, and then the outcome will be worse for me, worse for Papa, and worse for you. And when you grow up and look back on it, you might realise that it was better to split up anyway. Now, there is short term pain, and things may seem difficult. But longer term, it will be better. I believe so, know so. Otherwise I wouldn’t do this.
• Things haven’t really been good for me for a while, I just never told you about it. All the times you’ve seen me cry over the years. When you asked me why, I’ve always said it was about work. It wasn’t about work, but I just didn’t want you to worry or be upset. Even now I may smile at funny thoughts some times, and look fine, but I often walk around and cry, I just try to hide it from you because I don’t want you to worry. And being sad for a long time is really bad for a person’s health, and will cause long term health problems.
• My parents (爷爷奶奶) have always quarrelled over the years and wanted to divorce and I always asked them to stay together because of me, and now I feel guilty that they have been unhappily married for years because of me, and they are still unhappy now. You may not realise it now, but in future, when you are in your 40s, you may regret and feel guilty if you see me being unhappy for the next 30+ years. Please remember, I am not just your mum. I am also a human being, I had a life before you. And in 爷爷奶奶’s case, it was also a bit different, because I would have to choose only parent or another. In this case, we will both be in your lives.
• I have a job to do. My job is to live, to be a bit happy, and to take care of you and raise you. And I promise (promise promise promise) that I am doing the best I can. But I have to do this, I just can’t. I have to do my job.

(The conversation included some other questions and responses. But the gist remains).

And he stopped crying and said: “It’s okay Mama, I’m okay. I need to go and sleep now.”

I said to him that I want him to always speak to me, if he is upset. I would rather him cry and talk to me, than to keep everything inside.

Sometimes, some moments, some days… I find it more difficult to breathe than others. I take breaths in, over and over again, until my chest expands… and then I let the air out slowly. I find distractions, I overcompensate at work some times, I do what it takes to do my job.