Recently (28th Feb), I took a day off to spend with an old friend from Singapore who was transiting in London. It was really really nice to spend time with an old friend who has known me a long time. Even if we haven’t done a good job of keeping in touch in the intervening years. We had breakfast at Beany Green, bubble tea at Kova, afternoon tea at Brown’s, dinner at Gold Mine, got slightly lost strolling in the West End, did industrial quantities of window shopping (and some actual shopping) at Primark, Marks & Spencers, Matalan, then ended the evening sitting and chatting in her hotel bedroom while she checked-in for her flight the next day.

I was thinking of just how / when to share my news with her. But in the end, I blurted it out somewhat randomly over breakfast. Probably when she said she’ll be in London again late December, if I’ll be around. And I probably said something along the following lines: “Usually I wouldn’t be in London that late in December, because I’ll be in France. But this time, I’ll be around, because I won’t be in France because I’ll be divorced by then.” And she was stunned – WHAT?! (I know… way to go to break the news… I never said I was the smoothest on the planet!!)

On the other hand, I found it somewhat emotionally taxing as well. Because on the specific subject of marriage and divorce, her views, experiences and choice(s), can be said to be opposing / opposite to mine.

But as a friend of mine advised when I chatted with her, I don’t owe anyone (any adults) any explanations. People might wonder why, they might speculate, because from the outside-in, it might feel surprising, unexpected, inexplicable. But at the end of the day, people can only see what they can see from the outside, they can speculate all they want, make judgements if they want, but we don’t owe them an explanation. When shared the news with my cousin, she was curious, and probed quite strongly, but eventually let it drop, when I refused to share more details.

This friend from Singapore also seemed surprised, and asked if I tried counselling. When I asked her if she did back then, she said no, because she doesn’t believe in counselling. Haha, like me. And yet she suggested it to me. But I suppose I would do that too – I would feel the obligation to suggest it, to make sure they have thought it through, and are sure about their decision.

As I said before, her experiences were very different to mine, and she made a different choice. Back when she shared her news, and her choice, I asked a few questions, but not too many (I’d like to think). And I supported her choice. As her friend, I will always support her, I’m on her side. When all is said and done, I’m not her, not in her situation, so I can never know the specifics to really be in a position to determine whether I would have made the same decision as her, in her context. Sometimes what our friends need from us is trust, support, kindness, and not advice, or judgements. Something which, I’ve just realised, is sometimes known as “holding space”.

Yet, because we made different choices, I felt a kind of invisible wall between us, a slight resistance from her side – she was puzzled and didn’t understand my decision. Maybe she felt like my decision is an implicit criticism of her decision. But people who really know me, know that while I have strong opinions, I’m also often very non-judgmental in many ways. God knows life is difficult enough. I am not one to throw stones.

Many people the world over seem to choose to stay in unhappy marriages for the sake of their children – I personally know of more than one myself. I asked her if she regretted her decision, or if she feels resentful of her kids. She said that we must remember that we are adults, and even if we make decisions because of our kids (because what we considered to be in our kids’ best interests), it was not our kids who forced us to make the decision, we cannot ‘blame’ them for the decision(s) we make as independent adults with our own agency. And I said I know… but I also know that I, personally, would feel resentful of my kids, if I stayed “because” of them. Maybe it’s a flaw in my character. But also because, I genuinely believe that, if both parents are responsible, rational, and can take a step back, and put the kids first, separating would be better for the kids in the long run. Especially compared to the state I was in before.

And because I wanted her to… maybe forgive me, be kind, understand… that I really didn’t take this decision lightly… I mentioned how I had (largely theoretically) considered alternative solutions to life. I wouldn’t have pursued this path if I didn’t feel like I had to, if I felt like I had any other realistic alternative.

My friend acknowledged that we all live our own lives, have to make our own choices, decisions. Other people can never really know or judge. And there is no real ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ decision. We make decisions with the best information we have and know at a point in time, and we have to make it right, live with our own decisions and choices. Regardless of what others may speculate, whisper, think.

I generally try to hold space for people I care for. But it is difficult to be kind, be strong, and to hold space, when you’re hurting yourself.