Met my friend again today, for dinner this time. Chatted more about personal stuff – my situation, hers – and work.

I mentioned that I don’t know many divorced people at all. In fact, I think I only know two – my cousin’s husband, and an old school friend of mine. And that’s partially what has been causing my guilt, shame, and anxiety. Despite me being really not judgemental at all – live and let live is my philosophy – I guess I’m harder on myself, and weirdly worried about what other people will say or think. Even though I know I shouldn’t care. And even though, in some ways, I don’t really care. It’s my life after all. But still, it’s a much more difficult leap to take if it is not considered the ‘norm’ – and it isn’t for me. Social pressure and all. And I suppose particularly because my parents stayed so resolutely and miserably married.

She said she knows loads of divorced people… they seem to be everywhere. And even people who are not divorced seem to be in ‘broken’ relationships. She doesn’t seem to know anyone who is happy, even though it might seem all fine and dandy from the outside. She mentioned a colleague who’s planning a month-long work trip to avoid his wife who is stressed, frustrated and difficult to be with because their kid has become a surly teen. She shared an anecdote about a friend who can’t bear being with her home-based ‘day-trader’ / amateur investor husband, who takes to pretending to have a cough so she has an excuse to stay in the guest bedroom. It kind of made me laugh – that feels kind of extreme. On one hand, it make me wonder: “Maybe that’s just the way it is meant to be – people just suck it up. Am I having ‘too high’ standards for wanting more?” On the other hand… 33 more years of life! I can’t just give up now, and write off the rest of my life! Even though, as a 10-year old, I always thought it would be nice to be dead at 40 – it’s a good age to die.

I also spoke about my worry about being a single mum, the economic and financial uncertainty, not meeting anyone else etc. 40 feels old. And she said that 40 is absolutely not too old. The divorced / separated folks she knows mostly go on to have second families / another partner. She knows some friends in their 40s who have never been married and are serial daters. London is apparently full of divorced and separated people. And women in their 40s are not considered old or not ‘marketable’, because compared to women in their 30s, they are more chilled out and have more fun, without the pressure of feeling like you have to settle down, marry, and have 1.6 kids by a certain time. They don’t always bother getting married. They either just date, or have long term partners without necessarily tying the knot. So she said that this is one thing I absolutely don’t need to worry about.

She even mentioned that one of her friend’s mum is in her 80s and divorced. She has a new boyfriend / partner (in her 80s!!), and she and her partner sometimes meet up with her ex-husband a few times a week to have dinner together. And it’s amicable, and they get along much better now that they have their own space and freedom. Wow… a boyfriend at 80s. There’s someone for every age I guess. And it’s never too late I guess. Except I’m not supposed to survive into my 80s…

Interestingly enough, she said that in the cases of the divorced / separated people she knows, the separation has always been driven by the woman. Either the man has cheated, and the woman found out and initiated a divorce; or the woman just decides to initiate a divorce, maybe out of dis-satisfaction or unhappiness. I wonder if men just would rather not go through the hassle and admin, and would rather live life miserably or dishonestly. Or maybe they are not miserable – they could be just entirely oblivious – and / or they don’t see the dishonesty in living a double life, maybe it’s just part and parcel of a ‘portfolio’ of relationships in their mind. Who knows.

It was nice catching up and chatting with her. I’ve been feeling more low and listless recently, except when I get into fights at work. So it was really nice.