I was in Stockholm for the weekend and met up with an old colleague / friend who lives in the city. We met for lunch, caught up on old news and had a chat. I told him about my separation and divorce, and he told me about his struggles over the past few years as well – divorce, meeting the love of his life, separation, personal struggles (mental, work, family).    

We were never that close as colleagues, although he did invite AJ and I to his relatively small wedding (although perhaps large by Swedish standards – 60-80 friends and family in all). The last time he and I met was 10+ years ago, when AJ and I visited Stockholm to dine at our favourite Swedish 2-star restaurent Oaxen, which has since closed down in 2011.

Despite that, the conversation flowed as we shared personal stories and perspectives that I don’t really share with the people I spend more time with. He started sharing first, which prompted my sharing as well. I don’t know if he shares this with his social circle in Stockholm, or if he shared with me because I’m a visitor, and I am ‘safe’ because he has known me for a while, and I will not really judge him (or my judgement doesn’t matter), because I will leave Stockholm and therefore not impact his daily life.

It’s funny because our background, life experience and work styles are very different, and yet we share some commonalities, which I only discovered through our conversation this time. We talked about mental health – our depressive tendencies, and bouts of depression / depressive episodes (his more severe than mine); his diagnosed ADD which he takes medication for, my undiagnosed ADHD which I manage and cope with well enough. He said that the diagnosis and medication changed his life, and I should consider it because coping strategies / mechanisms suck a lot of energy – and I chuckled and said, yes I know. And boy do I know how much energy and effort it takes! We spoke about love, happiness, reasons to live, and how to find a sense of purpose. He spoke about how people often get counselling or couples therapy when they are about to break up or trying to save their marriage or relationship (a bit like how one stages a property for sale), when really you should be doing this at the start of your relationship, to help figure out and resolve issues before they arise (like designing a home you are about to move into). So true! Note to self for the future. I shared with him my usual go-to articles / links, and suggested he take up ‘sports therapy’ as I have, because it may build his muscle and confidence to start and finish things.

I’m really glad I reached out to him on a whim, and met up with him. It was healing for the soul, a bit like therapy. I hope the conversation was good for him, that he could lighten his burden for a while. I know it was good for me. I guess we are getting to the age where many of us have lived a little, gotten a few hard knocks in life – work, personal disappointments; some are getting divorced – and are older, wiser, perhaps more cautious. Maybe this is why this is called a “mid-life crisis”. I wonder if it’s linked to a brain / mental / emotional developmental stage… the way babies and infants have specific developmental stages which coincide with their brain development.

Coincidentally, while I was waiting for him, and browsing a book shop at Stockholm Central Station. I came across a ‘Scientific American’ journal special issue specifically focussed on neurodiversity, which I bought. I can’t remember the last time I decided to buy a non-fiction and scientific publication. But this topic is something that I used to be very interested in as a teenager, because I was convinced my parents were fucking me up, and I wanted to course correct myself. But the books I read from the public library in the 1990s, were probably based on research in the 60s, 70s, and 80s, so likely woefully out of date, and I decided to read the latest research and articles on the matter, so I can try not to fuck up my own kids.