Got bad news on the job front. It feels like I just can’t catch a break. When will bad shit just stop happening? I told myself I wouldn’t be too disappointed. But I felt really crushed. I suppose I was sub consciously counting chickens. I guess because it felt like the role was tailor-made and ‘perfect’ for me in many ways. So I didn’t love the very niche sector (“selling software for retarded children??!”, was how a friend asked incredulously), and it was going to be stressful, and a political shitshow… but it would have given me the experience on paper that I needed to round out my profile, and it had enough interesting things for me, which played to my strengths and interests. And I liked the CFO well enough, and definitely the CEO. When the recruiter called me up about the role, I was surprised that such a ‘perfect’ role appeared – like the universe was telling me my luck is changing, my time has come.

And then the really good call with the CEO despite having a cold, and incompetent scheduling which resulted in a night-time video conference… it felt like a sign, that there was hope despite the odds. And I just want out from where I am now. So the news really gutted me. I really think the Investor lady dinged me, but the CEO was very complimentary, which is what gave the CFO pause. I was the first candidate the CFO interviewed, and I don’t even know why they brought more and more candidates into the process, until they found one with a similar profile to mine. So the logical deduction is that the Investor lady – who was the second person I interviewed with – dinged me. Sometimes it’s really difficult not to feel like there is something wrong with me.

Anyway, I cried and cried when I got the news. I went to hug the boys and they were like, “It’s okay Mama”. I sometimes wonder, and worry that it’s bad for them to see me stressed, or sad, or crying. I wonder if they will feel anxious, and stress them out, or if this is net good – because it just normalises emotions and the ups and downs of life, and demonstrates that it is okay to feel and express weakness and emotions. I often ended being my mum’s informal therapist as a child because she used to tell me a lot of her troubles with my dad and his family. In a way, I suppose it put a lot of burden on me when I was too young. But at least I always remembered that my mum was also a person with her own life and identity, and thoughts and feelings, not just my mum.

I was crying while filming O’s audition for the school talent show, and I continued crying while filming F’s audition for the school talent show. But it took an inordinate amount of takes, and I had to focus on checking F’s bowings against the book, that eventually my tears stopped. The boys seem to take my continuous crying in their stride. I remember some other time… maybe in a work context (?)… I was crying and crying, but still continued what I was doing, and someone had said, “Please stop [doing whatever I was doin] – it’s really strange that you’re crying and [doing this at the same time]. Why don’t you take some time?” I think I said something to the effect that I have no time to stop and cry. And in this case, it’s also true. The show must go on… I need to film the audition videos, I need to make dinner… It’s not like I can take the time to cry. I intended to go to bed earlier with a Night Nurse, but the kids were excitable and kept me up, and then it took ages to upload the video, and now I’m wondering if I should take a Night Nurse if it’s just going to make me feel groggy and exhausted all day tomorrow.